Twelve Years (and, of course, counting…)

I don’t mark the anniversary of Mother’s car accident every year. In years where the date (today) passes without my noticing how it is today, I congratulate myself. This is not one of those years. This year I’ve noticed. All week.

I’ve noticed, but I can’t say that I’ve wallowed. This feels like an improvement over the wallowing years, though perhaps a step back from the not-noticing years. Maybe each of these years are actually equal, on my journey. Wallowing, noticing, not-noticing, maybe these things say more about growth and time than I’m capable of understanding.

And perhaps these noticings and not-noticings say something about how my mind works, about how it was working (or not working) in those individual years. Perhaps it’s not a complete non sequitur to point out that bee’s toes are much more exciting and interesting than bee’s knees, though the knees tend to get all the memes.

Macro photograph of a bee’s furry leg as it grasps a bright yellow cosmos petal while it is perched to sip nectar. The bee’s foot seems to be made up of three delicate hooked toes, each curled around the edge of the petal, while the bee’s knees appear to be simple hinge joints.

All of these wonderings and maunderings feel somewhat unproductive, but they are sometimes where poems start. So I’m letting myself wonder and maunder.

Macro photograph of a bee collecting pollen and nectar from the tiny yellow flowers of fennel. The black-and-yellow bee has yellow pollen dusting the hairs on its legs, head, and thorax. There’s even a scatter of pollen across the front edge of its wings. Its eyes are large and vaguely reflect the sky and sun, its antennae are long and segmented, and its delicate hooked toes are visible. Its knees are, relatively speaking, unremarkable.

While I’m waiting to see if a poem arrives, it seemed reasonable to update an old entry from April 2012, Finding What I Wasn’t Looking For. (In the post, I talked about Mother’s affinity for four-leafed clovers.) Except somehow, in updating the post (to add photo captions, mostly), I managed to change the post’s date to today. Now I can’t change it back.

Perhaps this, too, says something about how my mind works.

Not Much and Everything

All of my reading and research keeps circling back to a frustrating conclusion: America’s current crisis runs deeper than I am capable of understanding. There are too many facets, too many fractures, too many nuances.

What I do grasp makes me want to hide, to retreat into my fiction reading list and never pick up another non-fiction book, never read another article or essay or blog post.

It feels as if everything I care about is under attack and there’s nothing I can do about any of it.

And, while nothing is an exaggeration, not much is the hardly-more-comfortable truth.

Even so…

Not much might be a fragile incentive, but it’s compelling when everything is at stake.

I recently read The Next American Revolution by Grace Lee Boggs. She refers a number of times to a quote from Mahatma Gandhi… Live simply so that others may simply live.

This, at least, I understand. Live simply.

Facets, fractures, and nuance.

I can help by living simply.

It is, indeed, not much. It’s also a tiny piece of everything.

“With the end of empire, we are coming to an end of the epoch of rights. We have entered the epoch of responsibilities, which requires new, more socially-minded human beings and new, more participatory and place-based concepts of citizenship and democracy.” Grace Lee Boggs in The Next American Revolution: Sustainable Activism for the Twenty-first Century (Updated and Expanded Edition)


Recommended reading (and viewing):

Lost Time

Squirrel May 2

Every so often, time slips sideways. One week it’s May, and the next week July scrolls into August. I have photos and bills to prove that June actually happened, but it happened in a blur of travel, home repairs, and unhoarding.

Rabbit May 11

My unhoarding saga began after Mother died, when the extent of her hoarding (and mine) could no longer be overlooked.

Eggs May 14

Mother’s hoard was generational. Parts of it accreted as she raised five children, other parts were passed down from two much-loved grandmothers, a formidable mother, a pair of admired aunts, and a somewhat difficult mother-in-law. With each obituary and burial came new photos, letters, books, furniture, glassware, doilies, and quilts.

Hoverfly May 14

The women who raised Mother had filled their homes with small treasures, and, because each of them had very real memories of hard, empty years, they treasured everything. Everything held a story, and all of the stories were passed to Mother (who had no siblings) for safe-keeping.

Ladybug July 15

Fighting her own memories of hard, empty years, Mother made room for everything, stuffing her house to the eaves with family history. She made room in her heart, too, and genuinely loved this patchwork collection of heirlooms.

Dragonfly July 15

She loved it, that is, until it overwhelmed her.

Swallow May 26

The hoard took over Mother’s house, just as my hoard was taking over mine. In her house, as in mine, cabinets were jammed full, drawers wouldn’t close, shelves bowed under their burdens, one entire room was given over to storage.

Ducks May 11

In the wake of Mother’s car accident and death, as I helped my siblings sort and pack five generations of Mother’s belongings, I resolved to make a change. I didn’t want to carry on this tradition, the death ritual of dividing the hoard. Treasures or not, I no longer needed or wanted most of the stuff I had been hoarding.

Robin May 24

Resolve is one thing, doing is another. And unhoarding is ridiculously hard work. It got even harder after I scraped off the easiest layers — books I was never going to read, clothes I was never going to wear, dishes I was never going to use. Then came the emotional stuff. Tattered childhood books. Scarred toys and threadbare stuffed animals. Memory-laden trinkets and gifts that warmed my hoarder’s heart.

Bee July 16

I spent hours and days and weeks putting off decisions, moving containers from one room to another, painting around them as I dithered. Some days I was tempted to ship them all off to thrift stores, unopened and unsorted. Other days I fought an urge to unpack everything, to binge on dusty memories.

Skipper July 8

But I don’t want to live in a box of memory. To be owned by the past. So this summer I’ve been cleaning and repairing toys and stuffed animals. Some few will stay with me, others will go to thrift stores. What can’t be salvaged will be recycled or sent to the landfill. (After being photographed, of course.) I’ve also been cutting up old books, calendars, and posters for use in current and future art projects.

Clearwing Moth July 16

Some memories I’m voluntarily discarding, others have been lost in the commotion. But the house gets lighter and brighter with each newly emptied container, with each completed project.

Carpenter Bee July 16

And it feels like an even exchange — memories for light. Time for time.

Tiger Swallowtail July 9

I think Mother would approve. I think all of them would approve.

Heron Watching

Heron May 21

A few weekends ago, I had another chance to photograph the Yellow-crowned Night Herons that are nesting in my friend’s yard. It was a rainy, gray day. Perfect weather for foraging herons.

Heron May 21

Heron May 21

Heron May 21

Heron May 21

Fortunately, the herons aren’t shy.

Heron May 21

Well, most of them aren’t shy.

Heron May 21

The rainy day suited other foragers, too.

Heron and Egret May 21

Raccoon May 21

I’m hoping to visit again soon. In the meantime, yesterday morning I met two friends at Pleasure House Point, where we enjoyed a walk that started in fog and ended in sunshine.

Landscape June 2

Osprey June 2

Night Heron June 2

Mallard June 2

This was my first visit to Pleasure House Point, but it won’t be my last. As the fog lifted, I fell more and more in love with the mixed terrain.

Landscape June 2

Landscape June 2

And with the wildlife. Here again, Yellow-crowned Night-Herons were the stars of the show.

Night Heron and Juvenile June 2

Night Heron June 2

Night Heron June 2

Night Heron June 2

There were plenty of other attractions, all equally beautiful.

Snails June 2

Molluscs June 2

Mushroom June 2

Bones June 2

Butterfly June 2

Blueberries June 2

Bee June 2

We even caught a glimpse of a Clapper Rail, a new bird for me. (I sent one of the photos to our local wildlife columnist for identification, because I couldn’t convince myself that it really was a Clapper Rail.)

Rail June 2

I’m eager to return to Pleasure House Point, and to see my friend’s heron nest again. But first on my list are unfinished projects in the house and yard. Then I have a couple of short stories to write. And poems to submit. And manuscripts to revise.

Rail June 2

The list goes on, as lists tend to do.

Macro Views

Yellow Weed March 9

Spring makes me wish for a more powerful macro lens.

Hyacinth March 10

I want to capture all of the delicate splendor of the yard as it wakes from winter.

Pear March 11

Weed March 9

I use words like “corolla” and “calyx” in poems,

Pear March 11

Honeysuckle March 11

and name characters after weeds and wildflowers.

Purple Weed March 11

Henbit and Purple Deadnettle.

Purple Weed March 11

Speedwell March 8

Speedwell and Dandelion.

Dandelion March 8

Ant March 10

Spring is the only time of year when I truly love ants.

Ant March 11

As I follow ants with my camera, I find other treasures.

Insect March 9

Moth March 10

When carpenter bees emerge, my imagination becomes airborne.

Bee March 8

Bee March 8

I stalk our carpenter bees with both macro and long-focus lenses.

Bee March 8

Long-focus lenses let me stalk the yard’s other visitors, too.

Squirrel March 9

Squirrel March 9

Ruby crowned Kinglet March 13

But I always return to the macro lens, yearning to be closer.

Fennel March 10

Parsley March 11

Leaf March 8

Publication note: On March 2nd, my poem “On Losing the Old Dog” posted at Autumn Sky Poetry Daily, which is one of my favorite poetry sites. Many thanks to editor Christine Klocek-Lim!